


In Recovery

by Angel_made_of_scars



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on twitter posts, Bucky is having a rough day, Depression, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 19:51:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17453210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_made_of_scars/pseuds/Angel_made_of_scars
Summary: LongingRustedFurnaceDaybreakSeventeenBenignNineHomecomingOneFreight Car





	In Recovery

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bornes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornes/gifts).



> Based on tweets by incorrectbucko!
> 
> I love all your tweets, seriously. They cheer me up every day! I hope this lives up to the standards of your amazing tweet writing.

“Steve?” Bucky whispered. Steve hummed and groggily looked towards the dark figure beside the bed.

“I figured it out.” 

“What?” Steve asked, closing his eyes again. Buckys eyebrows knit together. Why was he already laying back down? Did he not care?

“Do you remember the report I showed you earlier? About the JFK assassination?” Bucky asked. Steve nodded and hummed.

“I think I’ve got it. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I-”

“Buck, you remember last night?” Steve asked. Bucky felt a chill go up his spine. He didn’t.

“What did I do last night? Did I do something?” Bucky asked. Steve opened his eyes and rolled towards him. 

“Bucky, it was you. Do you remember?” Steve asked. He felt sick to his stomach.

“Oh... I- no. I don’t. I thought... what did I do last night?” Bucky asked quietly.

“You said the same thing as you just did.” Steve said gently. Bucky swallowed down nerves and looked away, before rubbing a hand down his face.

“How many times?”

“Three.” Steve said carefully. Bucky took a hard breath, before storming out of the bedroom. Screw three AM, he didn’t want to be out in the open anymore.

It took at least two hours before Steve came to find him. He knew Tony probably had cameras even in the room with him now, so he was sure Steve already knew he was ok. He almost fell asleep, before he heard a noise, but it didn’t click with him immediately.

“Hey Buck.” Steve said gently. There was a heavy silence, where Bucky didn’t answer, until Steve knocked on the already open freezer door. Bucky wasn’t sure when he opened it. Maybe that was the noise.

He turned his head off the floor and his eyes flicked in every direction, around the freezer to all the chemicals and medications. Finally he landed on Steve and sighed, turning to sit up. He couldn’t focus.

“What are you up to?”

“Having me time.” Bucky said simply. Same as always.

“Why don’t you come out here? You’re going to get sick.” Steve said. Bucky almost rolled his eyes. They both knew that wouldn’t happen. He knew Steve was worried though.

“Yeah. Can we go out?” Bucky asked. Steve’s mouth hung open for just a moment before he nodded.

“It’s five in the morning. I was going to drive into town and go for a run. It’s still dark.” Steve said. Bucky nodded.

“I’ll drive.” He said quickly. Steve chuckled and it made Bucky smile momentarily too.

* * *

“You look cheerful.” Bucky mumbled groggily. He hadn’t exactly slept in the freezer. Just laid there, with his eyes shut and his forehead and nose pressed hard to the cold floor.

“I’m glad we’re getting out. Even if it’s just to go jogging. I’m proud of you.”

“Don’t say that.”

“No, I am! Buck, you’ve made it a hell of a long way. I know there are rough patches, but you’re doing great.” Steve said.

Bucky continued to look at the road, but nodded anyway. It wasn’t that he really disagreed. There were times he impressed himself. Remembering little details, like what toothpaste Steve used when he went to the store to get more, and not needing to call to check. Of course he was sure he was tailed by Bruce, but that didn’t matter.

He quickly dragged himself away from the thoughts of maybe not being good enough yet, and fumbled with the radio. It was a strange set up, but he could manage. As he flipped through the channels, Steve just looked out the window at the dark sky, trying to seem nonchalant.

_‘-love me tender-’_

_‘-all I wanna be is done-’_

_‘-the real slimy shady, all you other-’_

_‘-lock myself in a hotel room. Been waiting all night for the walls to move.’_

That actually wasn’t too bad. He settled and and began to nod along, as they came across an underpass. Steve smiled at him, and he smiled back. It didn’t last more than a moment.

_‘Crashed my car I was seventeen-’_

Bucky slammed on the breaks. They swerved and the car did a full one-eighty, as Steve grabbed at the wheel to steady it. As soon as they stopped, Bucky ripped his belt out of the clasp and got out. He stumbled to the wall of the small underpass, leaning against it heavily on his flesh arm.

“Cut it off!” He yelled. Steve tore the keys away from the ignition and got out, running to check under the car.

“Did you see something? I don’t think we hit anything. Buck, talk to me.” Steve said, all a fuzzy haze of noise in his ears.

“Bucky, can you hear me?”

Seventeen. Seventeen. Seventeen.

“Get it off, take the- get this thing off!” Bucky yelled, sticking out his metal arm.

Steve pulled his keys out of his pocket. A specialized magnetic pulse generator was attached. Tony and Shuri had designed it for the very purpose of detaching the arm without a long process of screws, blowtorches, numbing, and cauterizing.

He pressed it hard into the still flesh part of Buckys shoulder, and under his skin he felt a pulse, followed by the unnatural click of magnets. It fell away, and he grabbed at his bare metal shoulder, starting to breathe hard. Steve held him over where his hand was, and gently pushed him towards the ground.

He sank to a sitting position and covered his head with his hand, burying it in his knees. He could hear Steve questioning him, bending down to crouch in front of him, but he couldn’t understand what he was saying. He started to hyperventilate. What if he was turning? What if he could only understand the dialect they had forced upon him?

“Bucky. It’s Steve. It’s ok. Breathe Buck, come on.” Steve whispered.

It was the first moment Bucky had realized there was a hand rubbing along his arm. He looked up, and by Steve’s gut wrenching facial change, he knew he must look clueless, or afraid, or both. It was the type of emotion Steve gave out when he was exceptionally worried.

“Do you know who I am?” Steve asked. Bucky opened his mouth, but nothing seemed to come out. He finally raised his hand and tried to sign the name, failing, but apparently comprehensible enough to be understood.

“Yeah, that’s it. And you’re Bucky. James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky Barnes. You remember?” Steve asked. Bucky blinked away tears and shook his head. It was coming back. But not fast enough.

“I’m... Buchanan. I-” 

“Come on, spell it for me. What do I call you? It’s not Buchanan. You’re not a file name anymore.” Steve said gently. He sucked in a breath when Buckys hand flew to his hair and he started to growl and whimper.

“It’s ‘B’ for- brainwashed. ‘U’ for under appreciated- ‘C’ for- fuck- Captain. That’s you. ‘K’, I killed Tony’s fucking parents-”

“Stop. That is not at all what you stand for.” Steve said angrily, feelings of anguish rolling over him in waves, as his voice choked. He held out a hand and Bucky stared for a moment before grabbing it tightly.

“Do you know what happened?” Steve asked.

“It’s there. We were... the words. The- I’m Bucky.” He tried. Steve nodded, rubbing a thumb over his hand.

“It’s ok. Just take a minute. Deep breath.” Steve said. Bucky nodded, doing as he said, before speaking again.

“The activation words. It said one.” Bucky stammered. Steve sighed, almost angrily, and nodded. He should have realized sooner. He knew the words that set him off by now.

“It’s all going to be ok. Just listen to my voice alright? You’re here with me. You stopped the car, and we’re sitting under an underpass. It’s about six in the morning. No one can see us. It’s just us. You’re safe-”

Steve was cut off by Buckys hand leaving his and grabbing his face. He momentarily startled, but he didn’t pull away. He just let Bucky hesitate, before he pulled Steve in closer, kissing him gently. Steve sank into his grip, letting him lead, and take what he needed as reassurance. Finally he pulled away, and realized there were tears falling.

“It’s alright. I’m here. You’re safe.” Steve said gently. Bucky nodded and wiped at his face. Steve held out an arm and he sighed as Bucky slid forward and sank into his grip. He slumped completely to sit and hugged him closer to his body. 

“Can we just go get breakfast instead?” Bucky asked. 

“Anything you want.” Steve said. He raised a hand to Buckys cheek, hovering there before letting himself touch. Bucky physically pulled his hand closer, and leaned into it. He didn’t want to be apart even an inch.

“Come on. I’ll grab that arm, and we’ll get something warm alright?” Steve said. Bucky nodded, accepting his help standing up on shaking legs.

* * *

Sitting at the diner felt strange. It was themed to look like a fifties diner, but he hadn’t lived through the fifties, at least, with any sticking memory or time to go out to eat. Still, the music over the speaker at least reminded him a bit of old times. It sent waves of warmth through him when Steve seemed to relax and tap his fingers to the tune.

“I’m sorry.” Bucky spoke up.

“For what?”

“My name- it just came out.” Bucky said. Steve stiffened.

“I understand. It’s... it’s definitely difficult. But none of that is true, I promise. I know I appreciate you.” Steve said, smiling just enough to let Bucky know he wasn’t mad, just worried. 

“Sorry you have to dress up like that.” Steve said, motioning to the standard prosthetic arm Bucky was wearing, and his hair pulled into a bun. Bucky cracked a smile.

“I like this better anyway. In fact, it’s better than my real arm. That one was never right.” Bucky said, making Steve choke on a laugh.

“Alright, puns. So you’re feeling better.” Steve said. Bucky shrugged.

“I’m full of pancakes. I never got to have pancakes back then.” Bucky said.

“It does make you feel like time as passed for sure.” Steve chuckled.

“Hey, you know what else would make you feel like time has passed?” Steve asked.

“What?”

Steve held up a finger and stood up, going to the door. He walked outside and Bucky nervously stayed put. He was about to follow him, when Steve burst back in, holding out his arms.

“Teach me to dance.” Steve said. Bucky cracked a bright smile. There were newspaper pages sticking out of his shoes.

“Like old times?” Bucky said. Steve smiled.

Steve beamed as Bucky stood from the booth and fixed Steve’s arms around his waist and shoulder. He let Steve step on his toes, and started to move them to the tune of the music, swaying at first, before speeding up, until Steve was full on laughing, gripping Buckys body with all his strength and Bucky spun them, with Steve still standing on his feet.

He finally started to laugh, as they got dizzy and he stopped, making them both stumble. Bucky took the opportunity to lean in and kiss him swiftly, feeling his stomach flutter along with the dizziness. Steve pulled away still laughing.

“Do you still want to go jog?” Steve asked finally. Bucky tolled his eyes. Such a fitness addict.

“Why don’t we just go sit on the car and watch the daybreak or something?” Bucky asked. Steve smile fell.

“Buck, you just said one of the words. Buckys jaw open and shut.

“I did.”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah.” Bucky said breathlessly. He was. Steve smiled and leaned in to kiss him once more.

“Well, what are we waiting for?”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! I know it’s not the best, but I have writers block.
> 
> Thank you bornes! :D


End file.
